Blinded

I wake up, my mouth is dry, I need water.
I stumble to my feet, I did not bother to turn the light on.
Down the stairs I go, and with uncertainty I feel for the last step; stretching my leg and looking for the edge with my foot.

Am I sure that this is the floor? or is this just another landing?

Everyday i fight myself, should i tell him? should i be the first one to say it.
I want to be with you. just you. no one else.
I want to be yours. Take me. Claim me. I give myself to you freely.

ouch. that was my butt hitting the floor. i guess there was one more step before the floor. i should have turned at least one light on.

and This is how I feel in words

i am just happy. and it feels so easy, with him i dont feel like i have to guard myself, or be worried, or feel the need to prove anything.

its as if language doesnt matter, that it all just comes together. and ive never felt this respect and admiration for anybody, except for him. i dont even want to fight with him. its like if theres an argument in the making, i just concede and laugh about it.

and it does help that i admire him physically. everything about him. 

i think i love him --  I know i love him.
for all that he is, and for all that he will be.

Him and his Boat

Fly Fishing

I have no idea what he is talking about, but he talks about it all the time, to the point that he's brainwashed me into thinking that I like fishing, somehow fishing is beginning to sound very interesting indeed. This guy, a painter, a lover of all things outdoors, as inarticulate as he is he can make fishing sound as romantic as a Klimt painting.

and just to show you how romantic a Klimt is I am attaching a photo.

The idea is to make it as natural as possible. you are in full control, it starts from your shoulders to your elbows to your hand and down to the very end of the line. Just like a dance.

He says this with fluidity and conviction. What are we talking about again? Casting. Oh.

Today He said I Love You

well i didnt say anything back right away because i was in shock

maybe because of the dead air he decided its smart to end the sentence with "as a friend".

i, finding safe ground, replied- i love you too as a friend

regretful he added "but i love you more than that"

to which i replied: thank you.

THANK YOU?! Yes. It was odd.

it was so odd.

he went on and showered me praises, how he thinks about me at work and how the very thought of me relaxes him. how crazy and different i am, and how crazy i make him feel in a good way. he loves how playful, and deep, and smart and feisty he discovered me to be, and how beautiful my heart is, and of course he said I had a beautiful face to go along with it.

i felt so very special hearing these things. its not because i dont usually get them but to hear it from someone you admire and feel the same way about is extremely special.

but I do love him, and I wish I could say it more freely. without judgment or awkwardness. I wish to say it without second thought, without doubts, without the need to explain or add "as a friend" to it.

I doodle hearts in my head, and practice saying my name with his last name attached, as if i was to be married to him. I wish things were simpler, and a lot less complicated.

I am now planning my signature.

jfvasquez

vs

jsflorendo

DORK.

I am deeply...

utterly...

most definitely...

In love.